Sunday, 10 April 2011

Houston, we have a problem: I'm broken

Bir günlük güneşlik bahar gününde daha hayal kırıklığı ve göğüs kafesi üzerindeki karabasan psikolojisiyle yine burdayız.

Over-analyzing the situations, patterns and feelings (of oneself and the other's)

Ya, gerçekten çok faydalı oluyor!

Once we're disaapointed in someone, why obssess about that moment of disappointed (the very pain of shattered hope) and try to find a way out of that disappointment.
Why not simply accept the fact, embrace the pain and move on? - obviously after some time

Ohh well, its either we're not programmed to accept defeat or we are the prisoners of our own feelings regardless of our logic.

The medicine of all disesases: TIME

Hah! medicine of my ass!

Time only gives us power that is enough to only get ourselves ready for another failure in the next phase of the same war.

One can think these through in their mind and reach to a conclusion; enough is enough, I'm off the game. - also translates into I'm off the hook.

But really?

Can we say for sure that we are done with the sick dynamic and ready to move on?

I reckon not!

Following the steps in the Kubler - Ross Model

* OK, I'm shocked with the recent development and I can't accept the fact that my dreams have been shattered down. I'm in denial. I try to find an excuse or look from another perspective.
Since, I'm no stupid I can't kid myself into a cover up story.

* Now, I'm angry. First, I'm angry at the other. I blame it all on the other. - Simply forgetting the signs that I chose to ignore and even the warnings that was directşy communicated to me.
Then, I'm angry at myself. Coz, I know that at the end of the day its my fault; I'm the only one who can inflict pain on me.

* I start barganing. I have false hope growing in me. I understand that its failed but if only I had.. At this stage, you better don't have the other asking for another chance. - Its so bvious that you're gonna fall for it.

* I'm depressed! Its certain that I didn't and will not get what I wanted. I now am officially broken. I feel myself slowly dettaching from the things of affection since I grasp the magnitude of my loss/defeat. I fully enjoy the feeling of emptiness and despair.

Ohh what I did to be able to come to this point? Its easy!

First, I realized that I lost it. Actually, never had it.
I felt unutterably sick.
So, I had my time to pull myself together.
I laughed at the situtaion. - trying to feel strong
Coz, experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted and experience makes you wise.

Then, I forced all the circumstances to create the best possible athmosphere for my acceptance of failure.
I slowly enjoyed the course of events that loudly said the unspokable: give up already! its just not you'd have hoped for. Things are not gonna turn out good. You're not gonna live happily ever after. In fact, I'm pretty sure that you're gonna grieve for a good deal of time and possible never be happy. -- Define: Happy --> Be ignorant enough to fall for movie style feelings of euphoria. --


Better find a way to make peace with it or somehow learn to live with it.

It looks like I'm not going to reach to the final stage of grief where you have hope again anytime soon.

But, I've gotta admit its such good timing given the upcoming week's agenda.
Now, I've got two failures in my hands.
I literally am defeated in all fronts.
And I've got no choice but to suck it up.
Yeah, this feels pretty heavy on my soul.
Yeah, I want to paint it all black.
and I know it'll still sparkle.

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